Brainwash part 1
by SophieRomanoff
Summary: 'Whilst in that state, she would be convinced that she was back at The Red Room, that she was an agent and assassin made to do their bidding. It also meant she reverted back to her brutal, sometimes barbaric ways. ' Natasha relapses into her Red Room conditioning, leading to a fight between her and other agents, including Clint. Will she stop before she kills anyone?
1. Chapter 1

Hello everyone! Welcome to day 14! TW for violence, mentions of childhood abuse and sexual abuse because it's the Red Room. Also panic attacks, flashbacks etc

BRAINWASH

Both Clint and Natasha had been brainwashed before. And whilst Natasha's was further in her past, she had a lot more difficulty with it than Clint did. Whilst they both got nightmares, panic attacks and flashbacks to the pain they had brought whilst brain washed, Clint's had been through magical means instead of conditioning. Meaning that, although deeply troubling, Clint would never lapse back to that state, unless Loki decided to come back to Earth.

But Natasha was different, her flashbacks were painful and intense and sometimes, very rare though those times were, she would lapse back into that conditioned state.

The triggers could be small, like a tall dark haired man passing her on the street.

Whilst in that state, she would be convinced that she was back at The Red Room, that she was an agent and assassin made to do their bidding. It also meant she reverted back to her brutal, sometimes barbaric ways.

Most of the times, Natasha had been able to lock herself in a safe room and contact either Phil or Clint to come get her when it was over. It always ended with Natasha bloody and broken, her hands ripped to shreds as she tried to escape the room.

This time though, her and Clint had been sparring in the Shield rec room, when out of nowhere she had frozen.

Clint had stumbled into her and backed up, frowning and instantly on edge.

"Natasha?" He asked softly, seeing the moment her gaze snapped up. Her eyes were full of rage and she growled as she launched herself at him.

"My name is Natalia, and I am here to kill you."

Her movements were flawless, conditioned into her for years and years, all the grace of the ballet dancer she'd once been. But her body was packed with strength as she threw him up against the wall.

He briefly saw stars before her hands were around his neck, forcing him to his knees as she squeezed the air from his lungs.

Clint struggled, his nails drawing blood as they dug into her skin. But Natasha had always been slightly better at hand to hand than him, and her body was hocked up on rage and adrenaline, whereas he was slightly tired from hours of sparring.

His ears roaring as she squeezed her hands around his throat tightened, he managed to briefly throw her off balance and slam his hand into the panic button on the wall before she was on him again.

The sirens blared around the rec hall and the shutters began coming down on the windows and doors.

He had locked her and him in the room, but unfortunately, they hadn't been the only agents in there and there were three sets of eyes on him.

One of the men stepped forward, a gun in hand. "Barton?!" He growled, taking another step forward.

Clint managed to throw his hand out to stop the man, ducking a furious blow from Natasha. "It's not her fault, don't shoot her!" He exclaimed, dropping to his knees and rolling forward as her fist came towards him.

"Find the med bag, sedate her!" Clint shouted, catching a blow to his shoulder. With a grunt, he grabbed one of the batons they'd been using to spar with, and cracked it behind her knees.

With a furious yell, she stumbled.

Clint hit her again, the baton smacking into her shoulder.

If anything, it just made Natasha angrier as she whipped the baton from his hands and slammed it down over his head.

Clint grunted, his vision swimming and blood in his throat. When the next blow came, he slumped and saw nothing.

She then turned to the other three agents in the room.

Agent Hill was the one woman and she was rummaging in a bag and came up with a needle in her hand, they made a decision silently and the two men advanced towards her whilst Maria walked around the back to try and get the drop on her.

Natasha rained down on them, not needing the baton as she tossed some of Shield's best agents around like toys.

She threw one man into the wall, not watching as he crumpled as she turned to the next fight.

He was at least six seven, built like Captain America and deadly in his own right.

A grin pulled back on her face, teeth shining as she let out a yell and ran towards him.

Natasha grabbed his wrist and twisted, hearing a snap. The man didn't show any signs of pain as he fought with all the weight of a small truck.

Each blow he landed seem to do little to no damage to her, and each one she landed sent another wave of pain through his body.

Natasha grinned and let out a throaty chuckle before she rolled under him and grabbed his head. She smacked it hard against the ground and when he managed to get to his knees, she jumped. Her legs wound around his neck, her thighs squeezing down around his throat. He struggled under her, his face turning bright red before he stilled under her body.

Almost purring, Natasha turned to the last person standing.

Hill stepped forward, her hands up in surrender, the needle hidden in the waistband of her training pants.

"Natalia." The woman spoke. "You've done very well here, but it's time to stand down." Hill said cautiously. "You've taken them all out, it's time for debrief."

Natasha halted, her head tilting to the side.

"I do not know you." Natasha frowned.

"Yes you do. You're still foggy from your last memory wipe, but I own you, Natalia, don't you dare forget that."

Natasha blinked rapidly, stepping forward.

"No…" The redhead whispered, but her confusion had been what the agent wanted.

With an efficiency to rival even Natasha herself, Maria slid the needle into the side of her neck and depressed the plunger.

Natasha growled and pulled herself back, her eyes clearing just as she dropped to the floor.

When she next came around, she was herself. She was also drugged up to the eyeballs, and had restraints around her wrists, ankles and waist.

She glanced over to the side, confused to find herself alone. Usually Clint or Phil would be there, but instead there was just Agent Hill in the doorway.

"You look like crap." Natasha murmured, struggling through the fog to try and understand what happened.

"So do you." Maria quipped, slowly walking towards her and pulling out the plastic chair.

"What happened? Why am I tied up? Clint always stops them." She frowned, giving a slight tug on the leather.

"You don't remember." Hill exhaled slowly at Natasha's blank look.

"You…regressed, I guess the word is. You attacked Barton, myself and two others." She said hesitantly.

"I…shit." Natasha cursed, pushing her head back against the bed.

"How many did I kill?" She whispered. "Is Clint dead? Did I kill him?" She hissed, anguish all over her features.

"No one." Hill said quietly. "You didn't kill anyone. You…knocked Barton out, threw Agent Kenzie into a wall and knocked him out. You choked Agent Lewis out. I sedated you." She shrugged.

"I…no on died?" She whispered, suddenly seeming oh so vulnerable compared to the furious force she'd been fighting hours earlier.

"Say what you will, Natasha, but I think some part of you knew it wasn't real. I've seen you kill, up close and personal. But I've also seen you incapacitate others. You know the difference down to a tee. Barton was knocked out, yes, but he will be fine. You took out Agent Kenzie, threw him head first so he wouldn't snap his neck. You choked out Agent Lewis enough to render him unconscious, not enough to stop his breathing."

"I…you're saying I had some control?" Natasha asked, incredulous.

"I'm saying I think subconsciously, you knew you weren't really there." Maria said gently.

"How did you manage to sedate me?" She asked quietly, the anguish still clear in her eyes.

"I…pretending to be your higher up. I confused you enough to get you to drop your guard a little." Maria shrugged.

"Clever. I would've thrown you around like a toy otherwise. Quick thinking." She murmured, looking exhausted.

"Yeah." The unspoken thank you hung in the air.

"I'll get someone to take these cuffs off. You can head down to your room if you want, or see Barton. But Natasha…you are going to be taken off duty for a while, you'll be seeing the therapist every day, and I promise you, we will get that shit out of your head." Maria said softly, but still firm.

"Thank you, Maria." Natasha whispered, looking up to meet her gaze.

"Of course, Romanoff."

SO

This will be a two parter, next part will come tomorrow and will be a little of the aftermath and Natasha going to see Clint.


	2. Brainwash part 2

Hey everyone, enjoy part two, I'd appreciate some comment if anyone is actually reading. Thanks!

Slight tw for unconsciously picking skin, could be counted as self-harm so just fyi.

Once Maria had gotten clearance to take the restraints off Natasha, they first headed down to the computer room.

Natasha wanted to see what she'd done before she could even think about facing Clint.

Maria cleared the room of personnel and loaded up the footage from earlier.

She stayed behind Natasha, non-threatening and almost comforting as the redhead watched the screen play.

She stayed quiet, teeth gritted and her hand covering her mouth as she watched the woman, no, she watched herself, stalk across the room.

She had tossed her friends around without a second thought, and as Clint crumpled under the baton in her hand, she wished she could look away.

She owed it to her friends to see it through though.

She watched as the man struggled under her thighs, her lips pulled back in an animalistic grin.

"Fucking hell." Natasha hissed, shaking her head and rubbing at the beginnings of a killer migraine in her forehead.

"You're wrong, Maria, there was no me left in there. Look at them, they didn't stand a chance." She ground out.

Hill frowned and tapped the space bar to pause the recording.

"I don't believe that." She began quietly. "You snap necks like it's your job, and technically it kinda is. This was...incapacitating them. This wasn't killing."

Natasha just shook her head, rolling her shoulders. "It's hard to recognise that as me. I haven't...been that way in a very long time. Even when I'm on mission, I'm never...what's the word? Brutal? Animal?" She sighed.

"I'm always deadly, yes, but this was...it was something else. There's something in my head and, Maria, there is something very wrong with me." She breathed.

Hill frowned and sat down on the desk, facing her. "Natasha, what they did to you...That's not who you are. That's what they made you but you're right, you are different now. You're struggling with the conditioning, I understand that, but I promised you earlier that we would get that shit out of your head. If I have anything to do with it, that will never happen again." She said firmly.

Natasha blinked in shock, taking a deep breath. It wasn't that they weren't friends, they definitely were, it was that when they hung out, they rarely ever got into the deep stuff.

One night, they'd both been drunk as fuck after a rare night out. Natasha had divulged a little then. How some days she felt closer to Natalia Romanova than Natasha, how some nights she wouldn't be able to stop thinking about the things she had done back then, the pain she had caused and the death she had wrought.

Hill, drunk and drowsy, hadn't realised the gravity of what she was saying and had changed the subject. Now, she wished she hadn't been quite as drunk and had spoken to her more.

"I can't thank you enough for taking me down in there." Natasha said quietly, slowly lifting her head.

"I have no idea what would have happened, or if I would've ended up deeper in it and killed you all." She murmured, her face pale as she pressed the play button and watched the rest of the footage.

"God, you even pulled my name out." Natasha murmured, brow raising.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I was trying to disorientate you." Maria sighed.

"No, don't apologise, please." She murmured. "It worked. I'm gonna have to tell Clint that. Though, he would hate having to pretend to be one of them."

Maria shrugged. "It wasn't pleasant but yeah, it worked."

Natasha nodded, tiredly realising she really did need to go see Clint.

"Thanks, Maria." She said softly, honestly.

"Of course." She smiled, reaching forward and squeezing her shoulder. "I'm going to be running point on everything until Coulson gets back from Bahrain with May. I'll be meeting you before and after therapy, and if needed will be your escort to de-sensitization."

"I appreciate that." Natasha nodded her head. "I'll see you tomorrow then, Maria."

With that, the redhead left the room and headed down to the med centre.

She stopped on the way at the canteen, trying to ignore all the eyes on her as she grabbed some jello and pudding for Clint. As she paid, someone tapped her on the shoulder and she recoiled, swinging around to glare at them.

"I heard you nearly killed your partner," The man said, and Natasha realised she really didn't recognise him. He had to have been new, and the agents sat behind him had grins on their faces. Obviously showing off for them, the agent jabbed a finger at her chest.

"You really think Shield are gonna let a loose cannon like you leave now? You're a danger to everyone, Black Widow, you're gonna be screaming down in psych soon and you're never gonna leave." He spat, grinning.

Natasha swallowed and desperately tried to push down her anger. She could tell he was spoiling for a fight, he wanted to prove himself by taking down the infamous Black Widow.

Natasha did something she rarely ever did; she walked away.

She had just enough presence of mind to grab the two cups before fleeing the canteen.

She felt the annoying, embarrassing tell-tale tickling of tears behind her eyelids and she calmly brushed her cheeks off and pushed it down as she stalked through the doors.

They admin staff had obviously been told to expect her, bless Hill, and they let her through without fuss.

She walked into his room, swallowing hard.

Clint had dark bruises covering his throat and she looked down at her hands, all evidence of her squeezing the life out of him gone from her fingers.

He seemed comfortable enough, though she could see stitches working their way through his hair.

She slowly walked towards him, afraid to reach out and touch him.

She placed the cups on the cabinet and tried to decide if she should just leave when suddenly he was grabbing her wrist gently.

"Hey, Tash." He said softly, an easy smile on his face.

Suddenly furious at his tone, she ripped her hand away.

"How?" She demanded, shaking her head. "How can you sit there and grin at me after what I did to you?!"

Clint sat up, his smile dropping as his fingers nervously darted across the blanket.

"'Cause it wasn't you." He shrugged. "You wouldn't hurt me, Tash, it wasn't you." He bit his lip as he tried to catch her gaze.

"I nearly killed you, how is that not hurting you?" She asked, incredulous.

"You weren't in control, Natasha." He frowned, trying again to reach for her hand. "I know that, I know you."

"Clearly not well enough, because you're in here, in medical because I choked you and knocked you unconscious." She growled, her heartbeat pounding in her ears.

"I'm alright, Tasha. It's nothing I haven't had before, I've had worse sparring with others."

"Bullshit." She growled. "They don't lose control enough to hurt you like this."

"Natasha, look, I ain't gonna bullshit you. You hurt me, yeah, but you didn't kill me and you weren't you." He reiterated, finally catching her fingers from where they were absently picking at a scab on her arm.

"I saw your eyes, how you spoke. You were…her, you were Natalia, not Natasha. Don't confuse them. I know it's sometimes hard to distinguish but…but basically, you weren't you." Sometimes he wasn't the best with words and he often stuck to one train of thought.

Natasha's legs were shaking and she sank down into the seat as her eyelids burned and her throat ached as she pushed back tears yet again.

"She nearly killed you." She whispered.

Clint's face softened. "She did. You did not. I can promise you, Natasha, I trust you to never hurt me."

Natasha gave a soft sniffle. "How?"

His lips quirked back into a little smile. "Because you're my best friend, my partner and you've never hurt me before. Even when I came to kill you."

"Didn't hurt you? I broke your nose?" her face screwed up a little.

"Well, yeah, but it barely hurt. And back then, you were still…Natalia more often. But when I came for you, and you dropped to your knees and refused to hurt me, that was you."

"How can you even look at me?" She whispered, hate for herself clawing at her insides.

"Because you're beautiful." Clint teased, touching her jaw. "And I love you." He shrugged. "It's really that simple."

"I watched the footage-"

"Nat, why? Don't do that to yourself. Remember after Loki, you caught me watching the tapes of what I'd done over and over. It only made me feel worse and you literally burned all the hard copies of the tapes for me. It doesn't help, Natasha, re-watching what they did." He whispered.

"I'm sorry." Natasha sighed softly. "Sometimes it's hard to remember that you've been there before and you understand."

"You know that I do." He echoed her words from the hellicarrier after he'd woken from her 'mental recalibration'.

Natasha sniffled again, alerting Clint to the fact that she probably hadn't let herself cry yet.

"C'm'ere, Tash." He murmured, pulling back the blanket and waiting for her to climb in.

She did so, a long sigh escaping her lips as she sank into the bed. Every inch of her hurt.

She closed her eyes and felt Clint slid his hand down her back, rubbing up and down. She hummed softly. "That's good." She hummed and Clint grinned at her.

"I know, who's the kitten now huh?"

Natasha silently scratched under his jaw, watching his head tip back and a shaky exhale leave his lips.

"Still you, Barton, always you"


End file.
